You know I'm not worth it

I woke up from a dream that I was struggling to remember, my thoughts were twisted around a couple phrases and all I could think of to say is "You know I'm not worth it." That thought played in my mind, but not the kind of play that is fun and inviting, but the other kind, when playful turns into the kids in your neighborhood laughing and mocking you. Making you feel lower and allowing your self esteem to talk to the rest of who you are. That thought and those words spoken in my bed that morning are a part of so many people and I am not too perfect to admit that I am above saying those words. Actually, it would be more fitting to say that sometimes I actually start to believe what comes through my head and out of my mouth. I have a thing when it comes to speaking. When I speak I believe that things become more real and if you prod my thinking even further, sometimes I'm afraid to talk because then what I say may become reality. And who really knows if what I say should become real? I think that this mostly is applied when it comes to my past, but speaking things can effect the future and failure in the future is something I do not want.

So, back to my original point, I said "You know I am not worth it." Of course I was talking to God when I said those words, making them somewhat of a reality. The next thought that popped into my head was: "Or do you?". I think it's interesting that it came in the form a question. I didn't get a reply that I was looking for, instead I got a question. It's kind of like Job, do you remember the story of Job? He lost everything around him, he lost all his livestock, home, money and then he lost his ENTIRE family all at once. If there was any person on the face of the earth that had a right to question God, it was Job. What was God's response? Questions, actually lots of questions. I'm sure Job was not expecting this type of answer, if he was expecting any answer it was surely not that. But that was it, and that's what I got: "Or do you?". I know that this question is much different from the ones Job received, but it's what I needed because it got me thinking. Does God really think that I AM NOT WORTH IT?? God was asking me, "Have you read Scripture? ANY Scripture at all!?!?" "Have you seen me do crazy things in your life?!" The answer is Yes to those questions and God's answer to you is YES. A big, emphatic, overemphasized, over the top, yelling at the top of His lungs, dancing in heaven, dancing in your heart and mind, absolutely, no doubt about it, if you ask again His answer is still the same: YES!!!! I didn't even think I was worth an answer in any form, I mean the God of the universe shouldn't have the time to answer me, right? It's funny, because Jesus and I are laughing together at the foolish thoughts of man. Be encouraged today :)

Discipline

I have recently been reading a book called "Celebration of Discipline" by Richard Foster. I would recommend this book to anyone, it is beautifully written and easy to understand. He takes his experiences and somehow puts them into words that I find other people can not easily do. He takes you on a journey, not only of his life, but of many other people as well that have taken these Disciplines and made them a lifestyle. He gives practical and meaningful steps, that if taken can lead to some breakthrough's and that is exactly what I need in my life. A breakthrough that lasts and is life giving, something that won't be here today and gone tomorrow. If you have been following my blog, I have talked about this "life giving" term before and it's something that I will be striving for, not just now, but hopefully my whole life. I am pretty certain that there is no climax to this life, as if some time in life is worth more or worth less than any other moment. That if I reach the climax, then life is over because it is all downhill from there. I am not looking for that type of life giving moment, I am looking for a life that is full of moments that lead into other moments because life doesn't just stop. Often, people say, if X happens in my life then I would die happy. I don't believe that, because there is so much to do, so much to experience in this life that there is no one moment that would make my life complete. Anyways, this book has challenged me to make Discipline not just a part of my life, but my actual life. And if I take what I believe, that Jesus is everything to me, then how can I take the Disciplines that Jesus laid out for us and not try it out? I mean, what do I have to lose?

So, for the next couple weeks I am going to take these Disciplines and put them in to practice. Now, in the book, Mr. Foster clearly states that there is no everything or nothing type of mentality. I often get overwhelmed when I think about living out Meditation, Prayer, Fasting etc. in my life to its full extent. As if I have to check off a list every time I do each one and if I'm not focusing my mind on something, then I have failed. It's not everything or nothing, it's something, actually its ANYTHING. I believe that God takes what we give Him and gives us a passion for more, that is, if we ask Him. So, I will ask God for a passion to spend with Him, ask Him for a passion to reading His Word and ask Him to speak to me through the time that I give. I will devote 10 minutes a day to quiet. That will involve:, prayer, reading Scripture and then just quieting my mind and focusing on God. And then I will update you guys on how it goes! =)

One quote from the book and something that I am excited to do:

 "The Disciplines allow us to place ourselves before God so that He can transform us."

Defining moments

Who are you? If I asked you that question, what would you say? How do you define yourself? I think sometimes I define myself by my moments, you know those moments I am talking about. The ones in which you put above all the rest, somehow you raise those times in your mind and when something happens in your life you automatically think of those "defining moments". I hate and love that term at the same time, because it is so easy for me to take a moment in my life and make it mine, something that I point to. When disappointment or failure reaches a climax, I have a moment that I think of  and bring myself back to. Telling myself I am no more than this failure or that height, as if I can't reach past it and if I do, I only grab air because there is nothing beyond it. There is no part of me that can possibly be beyond that moment because I have defined myself by it.

But there are other moments: do you have moments of inspiration when you feel as though you could rap, rhyme, create a beautiful sentence or just be creative? As though anything that comes through your head and out of your mouth is like poetry and its something unique, as if the world hasn't heard your thoughts or least those words put into a sentence in that particular way? And then what your write seems to be perfect and it allows your ego to talk to your head, making it bigger and probably bigger than what you expected or what it should actually be. Do you ever feel that way? But it usually ends somewhere, and then that big bubbly head of yours finds a thought that acts as a needle, bursting what you created. Let me tell you what I think about those words you created in your moment of inspiration. It wasn't just a moment and those words are not the only thing worth valuing. The inspiration and the canvas in which that poetry came from is beautiful and worth even more than that bubble you created. You are more than your inspiring moments and you are more than those words or thoughts.

Authentic

I want to revisit my poem that I wrote in my first blog post. I want to let you in on the ramblings and never ending conversation that goes on in my brain and talk about my future. You see, the ocean in my poem represents fear, but also opportunity. I love the ocean, I love sitting on the beach and looking into the never ending expanse before you. I love being hot and sweaty with sand all over and being able to run and jump into an oncoming wave, which washes you clean and allows your body to start adapting to the new temperature. As the current moves you, you get a new feeling of freshness, of starting over, your atmosphere has changed, the land that once was at your feet is no longer there, it's harder to get to where you want to go. Another observation, it takes all of you to jump in. You can't just throw an arm or a leg into the ocean and expect to get the same sensation. You could just stand on the shore and let the water brush over your feet, but in my poem, I jumped in. I left the dock that I was sitting on, the safety and security that comes with sitting and being comfortable, enjoying the scenery without immersing myself in it.

For the past 26 years of my life, I have been willing and content to sit on the dock and enjoy the scenery. To take what God has given me, be thankful and then move on with my life. I never dreamed that I would actually just jump in, I thought that I would wade in the water, get my feet wet and just have the comfort of knowing that I am safe. That God has all things in control and I would just be content in that knowledge. But, today I tell you, I am jumping in. As I put in my poem, I can feel authenticity, and that's what I am looking for. I want it to be real, I have found lots of things in this world that aren't real and its time to go for it. As mewithoutyou (a band that I have grown to enjoy) puts it:

"I don't know anything about truth,
but I know falsehood when I see it,
and it looks like this whole world you've made"

Today is real, and tomorrow has more authenticity than the day before. Each time I throw myself into God, the more truth I get. It's not easy, and that's an understatement. God doesn't promise easy, he promises life and life abundant, which is what I want and need. I can absolutely say that today is more life giving than a lot of my days prior and I can say without hesitating that tomorrow and the years to come will be more life giving than today. You have to understand that the term "life giving" doesn't mean an easy existence in this world. When you find life, you will know it and then you will start to live it. Actually, it looks a lot like love, because love can grow and transform who you are.